Saturday, January 01, 2011

New Year: New Rules

This might be my last column here. I just got an email from someone in Egypt, Ahcmed, who will send me $2 million and all I have to do is keep it and write a check back to him for half of it when he gets to the United States. If I'm a millionaire in the making I won't need to mess with this writing thing. Oh yeah, plus I also need to buy a ticket for him to get here but that's nothing for a rich guy like me. I'll not go into the awful thing that happened to his camel herd.
In case this doesn't work out, I've decided that I need to tidy up my act for 2011 with a form of resolutions list for this farmer.
When I was a kid, we got to stay up until midnight on New Years Eve. We looked forward to it. Nothing could be better. Then as a young adult, I did stay up until the clock struck 12. As I began to age I couldn't stay awake that long. As time progressed, midnight seemed quite the insurmountable objective. Perhaps a useless goal. Now, midnight is about the time we begin thinking about getting up. As nearly as I can tell, in a few years, a celebration beginning at midnight will be easy once again. Only then we'll be frying eggs and bacon for the party.
Now for some things that need changing…
I'll try to never ever again buy a bin floor, attachment or assembly of any kind that uses the words "sometimes it might be necessary," "some field cutting will be required," or my favorite, "If for any reason you have trouble with this product do not return it to the store where you purchased it." They always fail to add the words "You're on your own, baby." They instead want you to deal with their factory, which just happens to be in China.
I will no longer purchase products with instructions that will require approximately two days of leaning against my pickup and staring at papers trying to figure out where slot B and hole hh are and what country the dude was from who wrote these words.
I resolve to not be surprised by the first snow fall. After 60 years on this earth you'd think I would learn that it snows in the winter around these parts, so get ready for it.
I also resolve to never again try to run a heavy duty five-gallon can of gasoline through my snow blower. Let's just say I was lucky.
I resolve to quit reading labels on products like shampoo and body lotion. I've found that volumizing shampoo doesn't (I suppose there's little to be done with just a few strands of hair.) and why use a body lotion that promises to "relax my skin." Isn't that the problem to start with? We need skin that's at least just a little tense. Mine's kicked back in a "skin recliner" mode.
I resolve to find a machinery dealer whose shop manager hasn't looked up the credit balance left on my Farm Plan account and then tried to find enough work on my combine to somehow use it all up.
I hereby resolve to not pay $500 for a bag of seed corn. At least not yet.
I will fight the urge to put a $30,000 automatic steering system on my $15,000 tractor. But I could use the sleep. I'm worried though about the Missouri River that is at the end of one of my fields and not waking up to turn the rig around in time.
A Happy New Year to one and all. May your next year always be better than the last. And lastly, I think it best to align yourself with the man who said he had resolved many years ago never to make New Years Resolutions. He said that so far, that was the one resolution he'd been able to keep.


Donna said...

I know I could use skin that wasn't so loose! We need to be able to buy skin tightener!

Lanny said...

That was pretty funny, both Dirt and I had a good chuckle, well he understood more of it than I and laughed harder. Could be a guy thing and could be that he rang in the new year at eight-thirty and I stayed up for 1:11 on 1-1-11. I get outsourcing work(not really) but maybe they could insource instruction writing to the country where the product will go to. Good luck on making your million with Achmed.

nora said...

Happy New Year, Cliff!

I look forward to another year of laughing out loud at your cleverness!

Greetings to Marilyn and the rest of the family!

EV said...

Happy 2011, Morrow's! May it be the best yet. From 9-11 to iPhones and all wonders between, in the last decade, has me wondering what surprises this decade holds??? God bless.

Rachel said...

Happy New Year Cliff, and Marilyn too! Great post! Please don't buy the steering system thing for your tractor. Waking up in the Missouri River would be a rude awakening.

You frightened me with the gasoline can through the snow blower??? Sounds like you got real lucky indeed! Whew!

Maybe you can really get rich if you can invent a skin tightener or a hair volumnizer that will work on only a few strands! Maybe I just need to learn to walk on my hands so everything that has sagged to the south will head back north again....

Here's hoping we all have a better than great year!!

Peter said...

See you on millionaires row Cliff, Ive got a couple of those deals goin' too.
Happy new year.

Granny Annie said...

Should I be jealous that I am never contacted by Achmed and others wanting to share their wealth? Looks like I am doomed to abject poverty.

I can help you with your hair problem by sending you a few of my wigs:)

Happy New Year to you and Marilyn!

Shannon said...

Good luck on fighting those urges!!!! Hubs loves his automatic steering systems. You could buy ours, the new stuff comes with it already on. Have two systems for sale.
P.S. With the market on the rise, good luck with that corn one, lol. ;)

cassie-b said...

great list. Now I'll have to start working on mine.

Happy 2011

Lucy Stern said...

Happy New Year to you too, Cliff... Hope you and your family have a great year...

jdjaws said...

Happy, healthy & blessed 2011 to you and your family!!

Those are some mighty dandy resolutions. We live and learn... sometimes.
Here's to tenser skin this year!

Paul Nichols said...

I chose to read the Bible through in one year. So if I break this one, it'll at least take me a long time.