Ahhh, it’s Christmas. That magical time of year. Unless of course you’re a man and married, then it gets to be a problem. We usually make two trips to the city to buy presents that are unavailable here in our little town. My wife will try to clear a day from her schedule. Then in a desperate attempt to avoid the trip I will try to get an appointment to, oh say, get a root canal done on a perfectly good tooth.
Failing all diversionary tactics, I go along for the ride. I like to say things like. “I’ll drop you at the door and when you call, I’ll drive right up to the door and pick you up.” Then the words all men just love to hear come out of my wife's mouth. “I’ll probably need your help carrying things back to the car.” "Oh good, I get to go inside."
While walking into the mall is when the ‘magic’ I spoke of earlier, really begins. Groups of boys wonder aimlessly by, wearing my old jeans or what look like my old jeans; large, baggy, worn out, and somehow magically suspended half way down their rears. I can’t help staring at them. I’ve been to too many rodeos in my life to not expect a trick dog to jump out of their pants followed by an explosion in those Fruit of the Looms.
Next you lay your eyes on some young ladies I call the no mirror people. This verbage started in our family years ago. I’d be walking through a mall with one of my kids and say, “No mirror.” They would say “What’d ya say Dad,” and I’d motion toward some gal wearing shorts that needed forty more or forty fewer pounds in them and say, “Poor kid, She must not have a mirror at home.”
Now as for shopping for wives, this is the ultimate challenge. So many times we men buy things that our wives don’t like, or it’s the wrong size, or it’s poorly made or in my case last year, the wrong color. When this happens they just say “Oh how thoughtful” and you’ll never see it again. My wife didn’t use last years’ gift even one time. I got the 24 inches right, but it was red. Apparently not the color she was looking for in a snow blower. I could just as easily have bought a black one. Who knew.