Saturday, December 20, 2008

Ahhh, it’s Christmas. That magical time of year. Unless of course you’re a man and married, then it gets to be a problem. We usually make two trips to the city to buy presents that are unavailable here in our little town. My wife will try to clear a day from her schedule. Then in a desperate attempt to avoid the trip I will try to get an appointment to, oh say, get a root canal done on a perfectly good tooth.
Failing all diversionary tactics, I go along for the ride. I like to say things like. “I’ll drop you at the door and when you call, I’ll drive right up to the door and pick you up.” Then the words all men just love to hear come out of my wife's mouth. “I’ll probably need your help carrying things back to the car.” "Oh good, I get to go inside."
While walking into the mall is when the ‘magic’ I spoke of earlier, really begins. Groups of boys wonder aimlessly by, wearing my old jeans or what look like my old jeans; large, baggy, worn out, and somehow magically suspended half way down their rears. I can’t help staring at them. I’ve been to too many rodeos in my life to not expect a trick dog to jump out of their pants followed by an explosion in those Fruit of the Looms.
Next you lay your eyes on some young ladies I call the no mirror people. This verbage started in our family years ago. I’d be walking through a mall with one of my kids and say, “No mirror.” They would say “What’d ya say Dad,” and I’d motion toward some gal wearing shorts that needed forty more or forty fewer pounds in them and say, “Poor kid, She must not have a mirror at home.”
Now as for shopping for wives, this is the ultimate challenge. So many times we men buy things that our wives don’t like, or it’s the wrong size, or it’s poorly made or in my case last year, the wrong color. When this happens they just say “Oh how thoughtful” and you’ll never see it again. My wife didn’t use last years’ gift even one time. I got the 24 inches right, but it was red. Apparently not the color she was looking for in a snow blower. I could just as easily have bought a black one. Who knew.


Shannon said...

The hubs always comments on the teenagers too. "They are up to no good", "Why can't they get a hobby, or better yet, a job", "You wouldn't have caught me dead in here at that age", "These florescent lights are giving me a headache", "Why are his pants so tight", "Low lifes", "These kids are clueless", "I'm getting gauded from all this walking", "Is there a Starbucks in here", "Was that check out girl flirting with me". At some point I look at him and ask,"Why did I bring you with me?" He will grin and say.... "Exactly."

Cracking up over the snow blower!!!

eyes_only4him said...

Merry Christmas Cliff..

JunieRose2005 said...


That last part made me LAUGH OUT LOUD...sitting here with no one in the house but me to hear!! ;) HA!

Merry Christmas to all of you!

... and may you find the right color this year, Cliff!


Ralph said...

You and I have this in common as well - we both found the perfect Christmas and it wasn't appreciated. My story will be posted on Monday.
For some reason color is everything with women.
Get me either the black or red one - I'll be happy.

Lanny said...

I liked reading the male perspective, it made me smile.

I am for the first time experiencing the Christmas miracle of having my husband do all the shopping for Christmas. It is freakish and I am sure that he has been invaded by aliens from a galaxy far far away. We began our Christmases together with him experiencing what we like to call around here his "random bone cancer". It always caused him to sit on the first bench inside the door of the mall until the shopping was done, even the shopping for his parents.

Color is everything, even in tools, some colors work better than others doncha know.

EV said...

I'll bet she complains about you endlessly replaying those "pajamagram" commercials too, huh?

Cliff said...

Ya know EV, I haven't caught those commercials...on the tv with the DVR on it. I'll admit it's crossed my mind.

Ramblings of a Villas Girl said...

Hi Cliff! What's wrong with Marilyn? This was the perfect gift.:o) Just kidding Marilyn. Show your wife how much you really love her this year. I think the right color would be gold or silver. Lisa

Unknown said...

You should know from farming that even in tools some frefer green, others red. Then there are those few weirdoes who like blue.
Seriously, if I hadn't inherited one, I'd have loved a snowblower for Christmas. It'd have to come with snowpants and thinsulate gloves as well, though. I'm just weird that way.

Peter said...

You were going so well Cliff... until you got to the snow blower!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I have to agree with your thoughts of teenage dress or in some cases lack of dress. But if we were their age I wonder how we'd be dressed. I've decided it's just a matter of age.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Mrs. Blu

PS I guess a snowblower is better then the gift one man we both knew gave his wife. Cemetary plots. He said he was never going to give her another gift until she used that one.

Jerry in Texas said...

I thought Marilyn liked red. I'm stumped too, Cliff.

Granny Annie said...

I have mentioned before that Ron got me a Case Backhoe for Valentines Day haven't I? Lucky for him he also added candy and flowers.

About those big jeans -- looking for a dog to jump out -- that's exactly what has been haunting me and I didn't realize it until now.

This post is going on my ILYB link for the 23rd. Great!

Sam said...

Thanks for visiting my blog!

"No mirror" is hilarious! I'm definitely going to use that one!

Jamie Dawn said...

We women are picky about our snow blowers. It seems men never get it right, so they end up having to use them.
Funny post, Cliff!!
Our phrase for No Mirror people is No Pains. This means they took no pains in getting ready that day.
Usually, it refers to women, but there are men who fit into that category too, as well.

I wish you and all your loved ones a Merry Christmas and a Happy, Healthy, Bountiful New Year.
I'm sure you will all have fun helping baby Georgia celebrate her first Christmas.
I hope you share some stories and photos with us blog buddies.
I look forward to a lot more blogging in 2009.
Hello to Marilyn!!! I hope she gets a better gift this year and in the right color.

Paul Nichols said...

You call it "no mirrors." We call it "rolled out of bed with whatever's on."

Most of the gifts I give My First Wife are accepted, but I'll never figure out why anyone would glare at me over a set of jumper cables. Sheesh! And then the year I gave her the roadside emergency kit...I tried to explain that I was thinking about her safety.


Rachel said...

Hi Cliff! I loved reading about your cantata and seeing the pictures. So you are not the choir director anymore? We sure need one in our church. The one we had before could direct but he couldn't sing. The one filling in can sing but he can't direct. Want to move here and be our choir director? Okay...well it was worth asking about!!

I would have loved hearing Julie playing the piano and hearing the cantata too.

As for the snowblower, I think you have it all wrong. Marilyn likes red. She is wearing red at the cantata. It's the snowblower that is all wrong. What would Marilyn about a spa day with a massage, pedicure, and manicure...the works! How about another horse! If not either one of those try something in 14 ct. :)

Lucy Stern said...

Cliff, did Marilyn buy you a nice set of stainless steel cookware? I'll bet you didn't use that once either.....Well, maybe you did.

I take TF Christmas shopping with me, when I can't figure out what to get someone....He points and says,"We are getting that, that and that...Let's go." Actually he's really good at picking out gifts.

Here's hoping that you, Marilyn and the family have a wonderful Christmas.

possum said...

OK... I got it - how to get her to appreciate the snow blower... Give her a snow SHOVEL this year!
Actually I use mine quite a lot even tho we seldom have snow. They are good for shoveling leaves into the humongous trash container to roll out to the woods, or scooping up gum balls or, like last week, moving gravel. See? A snow blower can't do all that!
Silly you!
But I am envying that back hoe!

Sue said...

My snow blower is green.

My spouse would rather walk on nails than go shopping. The fact that he waits until the last minute when the stores are packed doesn't add to his pleasure. A couple of years ago, I bought myself a new golf club and brought it home and told him to wrap it up and give it to me for Christmas. Made us both happy.

Sue said...

Oh, by the way, Merry Christmas.

Jerry in Texas said...

Merry Christmas, Cliff & Marilyn. Thanks for putting together Blogfest for us out-o-towners. It was a hoot and a half.

Hope to see you again in '09.

bobbie said...

A great post, Cliff.

I wish you and Marilyn joy and peace this Christmas, plus whatever your heart desires in your stockings.

Rachelle Jones said...

Merry Christmas cliff and family.

I was at Walgreens the other day on Old Cheny and 27th, and some folks from your home town.....we were making small talk, and I said wait a minute, I know someone from there....I mentioned your name, and boy oh boy they had nothing but good things to sasy about you and yours......when they asked how, I did not want to mention that I only now you from the blog...

they would have thought that was crazy...

Merry Christmas

Cliff said...

Yeah Army Wife, it gets expensive being me. I actually pay folks to say good things about me. That one cost me $5.

Anonymous said...

My husband and I are both retired from the fire department. I still live in the house my dad built on the day I was born. I was reading your post outloud to my husband and we were both enjoying it, until I got to the last sentence and we both burst out laughing. We need this site!!! Thank you!!

Anonymous said...

No sympathy here. Even my sense of humor is bruised. My present this year was a tow bar. Can you imagine wanting jewelry and getting a tow bar! Sheesh. . . anyway, I smiled like a good wife and it will be nice to pull the new SmartCar behind the new motorhome so maybe I shouldn't complain. . . even here.

nikkicrumpet said...

LOL you're such a man!!! Although I have to admit. I bought my husband an iron for his birthday...and he actually liked it...or said he did lol