Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Sunday Mornin Comin Down

I originally posted the following on Sunday and then I took it down because of the tragedy at V.T. One last thought on that subject. No amount of preparation, or planning, or laws present or future can avoid what happened at Virginia Tech. No blame can be placed on anyone but the man who did this. It's pretty simple, if you're willing to surrender your life for a cause, you can kill most anyone. Or save someone for eternity for that matter. Now on to last Sundays post:

My rant must wait.
This being Sunday morning and having various things on my mind like trying to finish various projects and needing to get ready to plant, and getting ready to go to church, my mind was swamped.
I was thinking earlier in the week that sometime in the next 10 days I will need to procure the meat that I am to cook for the potluck at church next Sunday. I always live in fear that I will arrive at something like this and forget that I agreed to supply the main course, in this case two large roasts. One beef and one pork. In this bad dream of mine there will be folks getting to the end of the buffet line just in time to be greeted by me. I will say "Hi, how about a nice piece of white bread to go there in that empty space on your plate." They will reply, "No thanks, I'm on a low carb diet and have reserved that space for meat." " I'm going to put a big portion of the roast beef they said you were bringing right there." They point to the spot.
Then I raise my voice and yell, "OKAY, I FORGOT THAT THE MEETING AND DINNER WERE TODAY, AND ALL I HAVE IS A LOAF OF BREAD FROM THE MINI MART...BUT AT LEAST THE BREAD IS AS HARD AS THE MEAT I WOULD HAVE BROUGHT HAD I REMEMBERED IT." I then become humble and quietly say "As it says in the scriptures it much better to forgive than to receive meat." or something like that...as my voice trails off.
Well today at 8:00 AM I'm starting to read some of your blogs and the neighbor lady calls. A really close friend. She is someone I trust completely. Marilyn answers and says, "Oh we're going to eat out after church...(pause)...no that's next Sunday or at least I hope it's next Sunday because Cliff's supposed to provide the meat...(pause)... your kidding, (now yelling at me) Cliff, last weeks bulletin says it's TODAY?"
Right here I rise to my feet. " I now enter this phone conversation from my office without the use of the phone. I yell, "I know it's not until next week!" "This can't be happening!" My brain shifts into high but there's not really enough resources or blood up there to be thinking this fast. Questions flood my brain. Questions like, How many big roasts do I have in the deep freeze? How long will it take to thaw them? Is there enough time to first thaw them and still get them cooked by noon? Is the grocery store open? Would they have the big sirloin blocks I want? Theirs wouldn't be frozen...would they? "I could run in right now, grab the meat, run to the church and have it in the oven with 15 minutes to spare. Will they notice I don't have pants on?
I flew to the basement and amazingly found enough meat in the freezer. I grabbed my big pan and ran up to the kitchen with everything. I had been at the microwave long enough to realize that my oven has a defrost setting that only goes to 6 pounds of meat and I have two 10 ponders to do. It's then I start to pray and realize this won't qualify for heavenly intervention. The situation has reached emergency status. I just begin to think 'Bologna sandwiches' when I notice Marilyn walking toward me. She is talking to someone else from our church and says to them, "Wait a second, let me tell Cliff before he has 'the big one'." She casually looks at me with a smile and says, "You're right Cliff, it's next week, the bulletin was wrong."
Right here is when I notice that I have a razor sharp 10" fillet knife in my hand. I have a roast in the other hand and was apparently preparing to cut the heavy plastic off of the frozen meat. I then notice that I have sweat running down my cheeks, I'm short of breath, and that I must have carried those two roasts up the stairs under my arms because my underarm 'gel' was starting to set up.
After next weeks dinner I'm going to suggest that after this, we serve King Crab Legs cooked in the Baptistry during church. We'll have to fire the heaters up by Wednesday. But at least I can keep them frozen until Sunday morning.
Turns out there just may have been Heavenly Intervention after all.


Lee said...

Hahahahahahahaha! How great! lol

Oh! Dear! I've tears falling down my cheeks...that is so funny! I can imagine the panic you were feeling, then the relief...then the total frustration! lol

Great story, Cliff! :)

nora said...

Oh my goodness!

What a nightmare. I'm glad there were no causalities...unless it is the person who writes the bulletin.

Good luck with the planting prep.

Jerry said...

I don't know why Mom was such a diligent church bulletin reader. Doesn't she know, they're never accurate?

Funny stuff, Cliff. Now, go lay down in your easy chair.

Peter said...

The mark of a truly great story teller Cliff, to extract that amount of humour from a disaster tale, great work.

Mike - ex scientia, veritas said...

"Bologna sandwiches", bwahahahahahahaa! Ya know - MY bologna has a first name. It's O-S-C-A-R. And MY bologna has a second name it's .... ;0)

Ralph's Homespun Headlines said...

Ralph's Homespun Headlines said...
Boy did that story bring back bad memories. Me and another guy did two hog roasts for church. First time we did it everything went fine. Second time - well there is nothing as upsetting as a bunch of hungry church people looking at a raw pig.

Kendra Lynn said...

LOL...that is so great!
I hate when people "spring" stuff on ya.
My biggest gripe is when I go to some other church to visit, and am asked to sing.
Oh yeah...there have been several occasions where I have had to sing acapella because I didn't come prepared. Ouch.
Glad you got out of it until next week.


Rachel said...

Very funny story Cliff. I was on the edge of my chair there wondering what you did and figuring you ended up going to KFC and just buying chicken for everyone, since you really had no time to cook all that meat!!

I can just imagine your relief once you found out the bulletin was wrong and you were right!! Whew!!! That's hard on the old ticker isn't it Cliff?! LOL

Jim said...

Hi Cliff -- You had me worried too for a bit there. I'm glad I read on (and on) down to the end!

Your post reminded me of the butcher Christmas skit we used to do for the parents when we were in grade school.
Did you do that one? The butcher runs out of turkey and starts on the ducks by telling that the richest lady in town in having duck this year. It goes down to chickens when the ducks are gone and I don't remember what all kinds of meat continue, and finally ends up that this lady is having hot dogs.
I can't remember what all parts I played either. We did it every year for eight years.

Britmum said...

Oh Cliff I wish I had been a fly on the wall. That was so funny. I wonder what you would have done if it had been the right day. lol

Take care and hugs to you xx

TamWill said...

Oh my that is enough to create a conniption fit is it not?

My dear Cliff-your cup runneth over.

Jamie Dawn said...

I was sitiing here sweating right along with you as I read this story.
Was the bulletin actually wrong or did Marilyn just want to see you scamper? :)

JUST A MOM said...

hey,,, poppin in!!!!

cassie-b said...

Wow - that certainly was an adventure.

People have nightmares that aren't that traumatic.

Gette said...

That's a better use for the bapistry than when we had to film a wedding from one. Glad it was empty.