I always feel fortunate to have survived the holidays. Like many of you I come from a long line of good cooks who think it necessary to try and set a new caloric intake consumption record for the family each year at this time. My wife Marilyn and I have learned to stand at the door while the kids walk out headed for home, and dutifully hand out everything we possibly can. They have busy lives and really don’t have the time to cook so they’ll appreciate these brownies and the plate with every conceivable chocolate dipped delight on it. Why with just one bite they can intake enough calories to feed a small village, for a day.
We use a sort of triage system. The highest calories per serving desserts get handed out first. The last will be the left over ham and veggies. Our kids are finally on to us and demand a balanced diet. Candy and ham. Cake and a turkey. Cinnamon rolls and some left over prime rib. Well, you get the idea.
All of this eating during the holidays, recently lead me to a near state of depression. My wife came home and found me sitting on the side of the bed in a tee shirt and my whitey tighties. I’ve never been able to hide my emotions from her. She knows immediately if I’m troubled and this was certainly no exception. She asked what was wrong. I replied “Oh, nothing.” “Come on, spit it out, I can tell when something is eating at you.”
I said, “If you must know I just took a shower and walked in here and stood in front of this full length mirror with no clothes on.” She said “And…?” I said “Well, I got to staring at the mirror and I realized that I’ve fallen apart, I’m really overweight, I can’t seem to grow hair anymore except for my nose and ears.” “I have fungus under my toe nails, I have some kind of growths on my shins and I have varicose veins all over my legs.” “Besides that my ears are red and getting bigger and so is my nose.
Expecting some kind of sympathy or words of encouragement that she is admittedly very good at, I stopped my speaking and waited.
She was walking into the bathroom by now to take her shower. She spoke loudly over her shoulder as she closed the bathroom door. “You’ll need to just look at the bright side” she said, and she closed the door.
Now I had to almost yell to make her hear, “Oh, there’s a bright side is there?” “Yeah” she yelled back, “Your eyesight must still be okay.”
It's true, there is no such thing as 'original thought.'
Some of you may have got a very short form of this in an email.